Christmas Newsletter

Gerry Asked: "What do you think of this new trend amongst family and friends - Sending a Christmas newsletter each year included along with the more traditional Christmas card."

It is I admit, something of a worrying new trend. There was a time when I looked forward to the Christmas cards that arrived from your loved ones. It was obvious that there was a bit of care taken in the card selection. Which allowed you to reflect how people regarded you.  Most cards I get now seem to have some cartoon character drinking beer with jocular references to farting. Well I'm guessing that the references are intended to be jocular.

I used to consider the Christmas card from distant family and friends as an annual notice of the postponement of their death.  It saved me from having to consult the "in memoriam" notices in the local chip paper.  Now when a Christmas card arrives there is the eight page in depth profile of their "family" activities over the last year. Which I find is a bit surprising especially from someone you have probably not either seen or had a phone call from, in a decade. 

The biggest one to arrive for me this year was twelve pages long. It was a month by month synopsis of a mind numbingly boring life. There were the children and their school activities. With their 14 year old daughter Beth progressing from advanced raffia weaving into parenting classes. Their older son John had now achieved the highest level on Armageddon VII on the Xbox. Younger son Peter was almost fully recovered from the after effects of his bungled circumcision and was no longer going to school in a dress. Though I do question if the surgeon threw away the wrong bit.

I was genuinely sorry to read that "Flossie" their Yorkshire terrier had been eaten by the six month old Akita puppy from next door.  It took me back to a time when my own crossed Alsatian Rottweiler "Troy" was almost killed by Flossie - It was when he choked on her. However, the prompt application of the reverse Heimlich manoeuvre soon had her expelled from his gullet.

The cat it seems is also on a bad patch at the moment. Goran has become incontinent and almost run out of lives. In a recent encounter with the mower, he has now taken on the disguise of a Manx cat. But it did save a few bob on the costs of neutering. The hair will grow back in time, which is more than can be said for the tail and the little monkeys nuts!

Mother Mary told me about her 2012 new years resolution. I personally find that new year is such a good time to start an attempt at an exercise plan. With a bit of luck and a following wind, it can all be over and done with, long before Easter. So in Mary's case she has now taken up Pilate's classes at the local gymnasium. It seems that Pilate's takes time and patience to master. It’s been almost three months since her last slipped disk. Well, would you expect to be good at beer drinking the first time you tried. 

Mary has been trying to get her husband Robert to do some exercise. Robert is always tired when he gets back home from the office. It would seem that his libido is at a new all time low. But then if you saw Mary and then Roberts new secretary you could understand why, men are such weaklings when they get home. Especially where attractive younger women are concerned.

It would seen that their house has limped its way out of negative equity and their car has limped its way through the MOT. Even the Christmas card was printed on earth saving recycled paper. Despite their best efforts grandmother Evelyn is still hanging on and refuses to sign over her home. That's life in the fast lane for you.

Regards.

Uncle Mort.